Nights Like These
by bisexual-annabeth
Summary: "It's on nights like these, when I can smell the ocean air drifting in through the window, can taste the warm summer breeze and all its sweetness, that I miss him the most. Fifteen years later, the ache and the dread settle in my chest, and it seems like our days of chasing down monsters were just yesterday." Fifteen years after Percy dies, Annabeth is still grieving.


**A/N: Just a bit of sad Percabeth inspired by the song "Prelude For Time Feelers" by Eluvium. There are no lyrics, so you don't need to hear it to understand the story, but you should listen to it anyway because it's a beautiful piece of music. Also, to the people who requested holiday one-shots that I never got around to: I'm sorry I ran out of time! I had family stuff going on for Christmas, and didn't get many chances to write. I'll try to write some regular one-shots with the characters you asked for. Anyway, without further ado:**

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><p>We used to dream of growing old together in a house by the sea. I never thought I'd have to live that dream without him.<p>

It's on nights like these, when I can smell the ocean air drifting in through the window, can taste the warm summer breeze and all its sweetness, that I miss him the most. Fifteen years later, the ache and the dread settle in my chest, and it seems like our days of chasing down monsters were just yesterday. We were under the constant threat of danger, in those days, but we were together.

I smooth back my husband's hair, lightly so as not to wake him. He's just a mortal, destined to never understand those days no matter how hard he tries. He's a good man, but when I ask myself whether or not I love him, I can never give myself a solid answer. He deserves better. He deserves someone who is solid in their devotion to him. But he loves me, and I don't think I could stand being alone.

I slip out of bed and into my sandals, left by the foot of the bed as always. I used to leave them there as a precaution, in case I was attacked and had to get out of the house on a moment's notice. But my knife has lay on my bedside stand collecting dust for years now. I haven't done work for the gods since Percy died, haven't even spoken to another demigod. I suppose the monsters see me as a lost cause. Even saying words like "gods" and "demigods" leaves me disconcerted now. That life was a long time ago, or at least it feels that way. Speaking of it is like speaking of a dream, only half-remembered. But on nights like these, when everything is quiet but for the lapping waves of the ocean and the traffic in the distance, it all comes into focus.

I grab my robe from where it hangs in my closet, next to the old Yankees cap I haven't touched for years. I put in on over my pajamas, then fumble with the tie in the darkness. My nighttime vision isn't as good as it used to be.

I stop by the bedroom where my children sleep and rest my arm on the doorframe, smiling in spite of myself. Twins, a boy and a girl, seven years old. Sometimes I feel they're the only things I have left to hold onto. They're both sound asleep; better not to wake them. Silently, I tiptoe downstairs and head out the back door.

The summer breeze rolling off the ocean whips at my robe and stings my eyes. It smells like Percy, salty and sweet and familiar. I close my eyes and tip my head up to the stars, breathing it in and letting the grief wash over me more acutely than I have in years. I could stand here for hours, basking in the memories and the sorrow. Instead, I open my eyes and head for the shoreline.

The sea is quiet tonight. Peaceful. "I tried so hard," I say to the waves, my voice no more than a hoarse whisper. "I tried so hard to bring you back. I thought that after all you'd done, after all we'd done together, the gods might have sympathy." I take one shaky breath and kneel down at the water's edge, dipping my hand in the waves. "I prayed to every god I knew. Even Hera," I say, and I let myself laugh a little. "Nico helped. He tried talking to his father," I continue, my throat constricting at the name. I haven't spoken to Nico in years. "None of it was any use, of course," I say, quieter than before, "Rules are rules."

I'd like to imagine he hears me, on these nights. Somehow, speaking to the sea feels like the right way to go about it. "I imagine you're in Elysium now, or maybe you've tried for rebirth. At first, after I lost you, I thought we'd meet again there. I thought I'd die a hero's death, like you. These days, I think it more likely I'll end up in Asphodel like everyone else. What kind of hero just gives up, like I have? The idea of being a hero seems like such a faraway thing now." I laugh bitterly and wipe tears from my eyes with my sleeve.

"We survived Tartarus together. Sometimes I forget that, which is strange. I've begun a new life since then. I don't even have nightmares about it anymore, most of the time. Sometimes that's all it feels like- just an old nightmare. But you know the funny thing? I can never bring myself to believe you were just a dream, too. I don't what I would do if you were." I'm silent for a while, staring into the waves and swirling my hand in the water.

"You didn't deserve to die," I say finally, my breath catching on the last word. "You were attacked from behind. You were alone. It wasn't fair. I should have been there. Someone, anyone, should have been there."

I take a deep breath, because I don't want to say this last part, but I feel like I have to. "I'm sorry we didn't get to have our happy ending. I got my house by the sea, but it should have been with you. All of this should have been with you." I'm sobbing now, struggling to get the words out between hiccups and heaving breaths. "I feel like I betrayed you, by having this life. I shouldn't be married to a man I can never love, with kids that aren't yours. I shouldn't have a job and a house and a life without you by my side. I should have hunted down the thing that killed you, should have tried harder to bring you back. And most of all, I shouldn't have abandoned the friends you loved. Percy I- I don't even know if they're alive. It should have been me that died. I'm sorry I let you down." I rest my head on my knees, my arms tucked behind my neck, trying to catch my breath. "I loved you," I whisper, "I love you. I love you." I whisper it over and over again until my throat hurts from crying and I feel like I can't breathe anymore.

Eventually, I stand up. I wipe my eyes and nose on the sleeve of my robe. I brush the sand off as best as I can. There's so much more I want to say, so many thoughts and feelings I can't put into words. But I'll leave it at one last thing, just like I always do.

"I love you, Seaweed Brain," I say. Then I return inside, back to my normal life, and try not to think about him until another night like this comes along.

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><p><strong>AN: Don't forget to review and favorite if you liked it!**


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